St. Francis returns to Turdlock to tell Anglican leader to "Kiss My Assisi!"

Saint Francis of Assisi, patron saint of the animals and namesake of Turdlock's two battling churches, St. Francis Anglican Church and St. Francis Episcopal Church, returned to the embattled city yesterday to reunite his followers.

St. Francis Anglican Church was formed in 2007 when a splinter gaggle of churchgoers, following the leadership of the Diocese of San Joathefuckareyouthinquin, split from the national Episcopal Church, largely over whether homosexuals should be ordained and whether the church should bless same-sex unions. The gaggle took the keys of the St. Francis church with them on their righteous quest, forcing the remaining Episcopalians to worship in a borrowed room in a (gasp) Methodist church. Earlier this week, a lawsuit was filed by the Episcopal Church to reclaim the property from the Anglican squaters.

The Anglican Rev. Grossman (known as "The Gross Man" to his friends and simply "Gross" to his enemies), greeted the saint in Turdlock's Crane Park, where St. Francis had alighted and set up a temporary animal sanctuary to welcome his Turdlock flock (see photo, above right). St. Francis took the Gross reverend's hand and led him in the St. Francis Prayer:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, your pardon Lord;

and where there's doubt, return the friggin' keys to their rightful owners.

And with that he turned one last time to the Gross Anglican before alighting again and said, "I'm sick and tired of having you intolerant, right-wing, blabbering Turds throwing my name around in your bullshit morality. Kiss my Assisi and give the keys back." And there was much rejoicing.