22 September 2006

Army of demonically-possessed cats descends upon Turdlock, home to freaks, space eels, symbiotes and giant toilet-using praying mantises!

Who knew that a secret government institute that studies alien technology, genetic manipulation, mystical artifacts and other whackey things is based here in our beloved Turdlock? Indeed. Celebrated artist and Turdlock native (escaped) Doug TenNapel chose Turdlock as the setting for his Creature Tech comic. The lead character is the institute's hapless director, Doctor Ong. Much to Ong's dismay, a ghost from the 1800s steals the Shroud of Turin in an attempt to resurrect a giant space eel that he called to Earth a century ago seeking revenge on all who had mocked him. Using the Shroud, the ghost resurrects his old body and unleashes an army of demonically-possessed cats upon Turdlock. It's a race against time as Ong and all the human/monster residents of Turdlock defend their town against the demon onslaught.

Such is the effect Turdlock has on young minds. Much of Creature Tech is autobiographical, according to TenNagel: “So I grew up in Tur[d]lock. It's a small, unassuming town with a church on every corner. I was a freak there. A creative musician type that...never fit in...I moved outta there to become a composer, and now lead a happy healthy life in the SF Bay Area. Every time I'd go back home for the holidays . . . everybody loved to hear about life as a creative, but never really took me too seriously. I felt like an alien. A mutant. Now here's this graphic novel about the shroud of turin and giant toilet-using praying mantises. I feel vindicated. Soon Tur[d]lock will be known as the home of the freaks, the space eels and symbiotes.”

19 September 2006

Turlock: What a difference a K makes.

According to the on-line Urban Dictionary, a Turloc [sic] is “a fat person who never bathes and has a limited cognative ability. This person is usually quite stubborn and thinks that they are clever. A Turloc’s traits may also include an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder to annoy the hell out of a selected person continuously without any hope of stopping."
Bill: “God that boy’s a turloc!”
Turloc: “I’m not a turloc! I use deodorent, iv no need to wash!””

And so, we at turdlock.com are ever so delighted about that very special "k" which is all that stands between us Turlockers and a bunch of fat, smelly idiots.

15 September 2006

Guide to Gettin' da Hell outta Turdsville

Famous Turdlockers are everywhere and we at turdlock.com are eager to find them. What better way to assure ourselves that there is life after Turd? And if there is one thing those (we) Turdlockers share it is, as says travel writer (and former Turdlocker) Andrew Rice, "exit velocity." That penchant for travel is never stronger than when one is locked in Turdsville.

Escaped Turdlocker Rice, author of two adventure travel guidebooks (Frommer's Great Outdoor Guide to Northern California and Frommer's Great Outdoor Guide to Southern California and Baja) writes on his website: “When I was five, my father the eternal graduate student finished his Ph.D. and moved the family to Turlock -- aka Turdlock -- California, a town whose claim to fame was and still is that it's the Turkey Capital of the World. Every fall, the Swanson and Foster Farms processing plants there churn 24-7; gutting, plucking and decapitating your Thanksgiving and Christmas birds. Each spring our elementary school took field trips to the Foster Farms Chicken plant where all the kids were given special hats and smocks to keep flying blood from ruining their clothes. If there's one thing this small Central Valley town gave me it was a strong sense of exit velocity. After high school I enrolled in the University of California Santa Barbara and never looked back.” (Andrew Rice at http://www.lisapalac.com/andrew.html)

Though Rice's guide to Northern California has no mention of Turdlock in its index, we know that in his heart of hearts he, like all of us, awaits the day that Turdlock finds its deserv-ed place in the anals of literature.

14 September 2006

The Turd That Roared

How many people knew that acclaimed author Leonard Wibberley (d.1983) once worked here in our beloved Turdlock at the one-and-only Turdlock Journal? His most beloved book, The Mouse That Roared, a part of the Grand Fenwick series, is an inspiration to all of us living in small, irrelevant places ... a sort of David and Goliath story where the tiny (fictional) European nation of Grand Fenwick declares war on the United States, attacks New York City, and conquers the world.

Sort of a metaphor for us, I'd say. The Grand Duchy of Turdlock itself roared when it made Walmart eat crow by winning the battle to keep its mega-colossus superstore out of our quaint, charming country village. In the movie sequel, The Turd That Roared, Turdlock Mayor Curt Andre leads the disgruntled Turdlockers in a charge against the evil Walmartians, wielding killer cow pies and Foster Farms chicken parts.

12 September 2006

Turdlock's Tree Twist: Cut a tree to end homelessness and then plant one to benefit the environment

Did anyone else think it a bit odd (or sadly ironic?) that earlier this week (September 6th) the Modesto Bee headline article was the story "Turlock axes trees to deter homeless" about the City of Turdlock ordering the cutting down of a row of Chinese tallow trees to prevent homeless people from congregating on the site...while a few pages later in the same issue (Local News page B-3) they carried an ad from the Turdlock Irrigation District (TID) for a "Shade Tree Rebate Program" offering Turdlock customers a $20 rebate for planting a shade tree at their home to lower air conditioning bills to benefit the environment?

I'm sure advocates for the homeless and for the environment must be rioting in the streets. Maybe if the City of Turdlock really wanted to be pragmatic and serve both interests they'd build tree houses for the homeless.

11 September 2006

turdlock.com definition of "Turdlock" accepted in Urban Dictionary

Newsflash! Today is a day of great accomplishment for turdlock.com's Turdloxicon Project. The Urban Dictionary, the leading on-line source for English-language slang, has officially accepted turdlock.com's submission for a definition of "Turdlock."

"Turdlock" is now rightfully recognized as a synonym of "boondocks," "boonies," "bumfuck," "podunk," "the sticks" and "toolies."

See the official Urban Dictionary definition of "Turdlock" at: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Turdlock

10 September 2006

Turdlock Celebrates Latif's 70th

The distinctly classic old-time (now retro) diner Latif's celebrated its 70th anniversary in Turdlock yesterday with a morning celebration, including free coffee and pie. Definitely worth the visit (though we arrived too late and missed the free food) -- perhaps more for the decore and the chocolate milkshakes than anything else.

Amongst those who have graced this establishment with their presence are Barbara, Jeb, and George Bush, Sr. with signed pictures on the wall near the cash register to commemorate the fateful day. Even more important are the signed pictures of the Doobie Brothers, the Village People and a plethora of other D-list celebs.

Most importantly, here is the photo of the Village People:

Don't be scared away by the fact that the orange upholstery apparently hasn't been updated since 1960s, it's in surprisingly good shape and is very retro orange. This is indeed a classic Turdlock hotspot. Thank God they haven't been driven out of business by the fast food hacks.

See the full Modesto Bee story "70 candles on Latif's birthday cake" about Latif's anniversary at: http://www.modbee.com/local/story/12689502p-13388227c.html

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Here we celebrate all that is glorious and grotesque about small town America and, particularly, about the fair city of Turlock, California.