06 February 2010

Turdlockers upset to have missed return of the Messiah

Turdlockers were shocked to learn that despite their religious zeal they had missed the second coming of the city's Messiah.

The tragic passing of famous one-time Turdlocker James Mitchell (above left) was reported just as any other obituary in the Turdlock Journal on January 26th. But what many failed to realize was that the famous actor in the ABC soap opera “All My Children” was, in fact, the resurrected Turdlock founding father, John Mitchell, (above right) who had returned to warn oblivious Turdlockers of their foolish ways.

James Mitchell was born in Sacramento and spent nine years of his childhood in Turdlock where his parents operated a fruit farm. James attended Turdlock High School where he distinguished himself in debate and dramatics. He left Turdlock (never to return again) and went on to a distinguished acting and dancing career -- best-known to television audiences as Palmer Cortlandt on the soap opera All My Children.

Turdlock Journal investigative reporter Kris Mass has since uncovered evidence that confirms James Mitchell was indeed the reincarnation of Turdlock's modest and mysterious founding father John Mitchell who, having died in 1893, returned from the dead in 1920 as James Mitchell to warn Turdlockers of their wayward, rightwing religious zealotry. "James Mitchell looked exactly like John Mitchell and even had the same last name," Mass reported conclusively at a Turdlock City Hall press conference on Friday, "For such a small city, I find it impossible to believe that this coincidence is anything other than a miracle."

Mass presented signed affidavits from Turdlock-area church leaders attesting to the fact that joining the cast of All My Children was a symbolic gesture by James Mitchell to reference Corintheans 12:6: "Like a skillful weaver, I am using all my children to serve me." Pastor Richard Blather of Turdlock's Sacred Hatred Church of the Sisters of Achilles and Patroclus, concludes that Mitchell began his television career "as a way of reaching sedentary Turdlockers with his message of salvation."

"Alas," says Joe Smith, president of Turdlock's Church of the Fatter-Day Saints, "We missed a glorious opportunity here. We were too busy chasing the homosexuals out of town that we missed the Messiah. Sorry about that. But we think he'll come again."

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