31 January 2010

Turdlock announces sister city relationship with Turdistan

Turdlock.com was heartbroken to learn that Turldock has not joined the global sister city movement, a prestigious citizen diplomacy network that creates partnerships between U.S. and international communities. Sister City International strives "to build global cooperation at the municipal level, promote cultural understanding and stimulate economic development." Sadly, a search of the Sister City Directory found many cities in California with sister relationships around the world. Turdlock was nowhere to be found. This is indeed a disappointing and glaring oversight.

The citizens of Turdlock would benefit greatly from such global exposure. The economic and education benefits to our community from this exchange would be exceptional.

After close consultation with Turdlock municipal leaders, turdlock.com is happy to announce today a sister city relationship with Turdistan (see map, above, complements of doodie.com). Turdistan, like Turdlock, is a proud people with a long history and rich culture.

We look forward to developing this important relationship with our Turd sisters.

Ask not what your Turdlock can do for you but what you can do for your Turdlock

Alex Cantatore's January 12th article in the Turlock Journal, "Turlock humdrum," is a much-welcome Kennedy-style call to action for Turdlockers. Cantatore begins by stating the obvious: "I hate to admit it, but the City of Turlock has a well-deserved reputation as being, well, a bit boring." His Saturday evening quest for adventure and entertainment ends in disappointment with the tacit acceptance of "just how vapid" the Turlock recreational landscape is.

"We have no bowling alleys, go-kart tracks, arcades, driving ranges, laser tag, late-night coffee shops, or 24-hour doughnut shops in the City of Turlock ... The town at one time had a bowling alley, but it closed. We had a driving range. Heck, we even had a gelato shop. But they exist no more."

The only conclusion he could come to, he says, "was that the citizens of Turlock are to blame. We must be inherently boring people."

But Cantatore challenges us all regarding our municipal apathy: "what everyone else in town seems to think, but fails to act upon." And he accepts his share of responsibility for Turdlock's podunk status. "I’ve decided to take a certain level of responsibility for my own boredom." His first step in our collective 12-step recovery was to start a pick-up lacrosse game in town with a group of friends. "We just saw some highlights on the Internet and decided to give it a go. Plus, the portmanteau 'Turlacrosse' is simply too good to pass up."

Yes, we can!

29 January 2010

No H8! Turdlocker slaps some sense into garish goon from Riverbank

Turdlock.com nearly pooped our collective pants when reading the January 20 letter to the editor in the Modesto Bee entitled Gay couples should stop their whining. Dumb-ass Robert Gerisch, Jr. of Riverbank (whose last name, appropriately pronounced "garish," means offensive, excessive, gaudy, distressing, loud and fucking obnoxious), wrote:

"Same-sexers: I'm so sick of hearing you whine about Proposition 8. Get over it already! We voted, the majority won — you lost! Do you think you're special? You're not. Same-sex marriage isn't a natural thing."

We'd nearly lost our faith in podunk until the January 27 rebuttal from beloved Turdlocker Patrick Mitchell saved the day with his sensible response, Gays want equal treatment:

"It was with disgust and pity for the writer that I read 'Gay couples should stop their whining.' Interestingly, the writer [Gerisch] unintentionally got one thing right when he childishly taunted, 'Do you think you're special? You're not.' Gay people don't think they're special regarding marriage, and that's exactly the point. Gay people rightly believe they should be treated equally when it comes to marriage. While a majority of those who voted may have supported Proposition 8, it will be overturned — because matters of civil rights should never be decided by popularity contest."

Score for Turdlock! And another indication that Turdlock is on the road to becoming the tolerant, gay-friendly mecca that it's destined to be.

Read more about the turdlock.com "It Takes a Gay Village" Project.

28 January 2010

Welcome to Historic Downtown Turdlock

We at turdlock.com are eager to find ways to contribute to the economic development of Turdlock by encouraging more tourism to the many lovely sites in our fine city. In addition to our "It Takes a Gay Village" project, we're working on the design of our next turdlock.com postcard highlighting our historic downtown.

In the meantime, visit the Turdlock Shop to see our current line of products, including our limited-edition bumper sticker and "Turdlock Next 5 Exits" postcard.

26 January 2010

Turdlock.com releases new, limited edition Turdlock postcards!

The long-awaited first Turdlock postcards are hot off the presses! The lovely Turdlock "NEXT 5 EXITS" color postcard design (4"x6" with blank back side) is a perfect gift or holiday momento for all Turdlock fans. The original (slightly-altered) photo was taken along the scenic Highway 99 en route to beloved Turdlock.

Go quickly to the Turdlock Shop and get yours today for only $1.49 plus shipping & handling!