St. Francis returns to Turdlock to tell Anglican leader to "Kiss My Assisi!"

Saint Francis of Assisi, patron saint of the animals and namesake of Turdlock's two battling churches, St. Francis Anglican Church and St. Francis Episcopal Church, returned to the embattled city yesterday to reunite his followers.

St. Francis Anglican Church was formed in 2007 when a splinter gaggle of churchgoers, following the leadership of the Diocese of San Joathefuckareyouthinquin, split from the national Episcopal Church, largely over whether homosexuals should be ordained and whether the church should bless same-sex unions. The gaggle took the keys of the St. Francis church with them on their righteous quest, forcing the remaining Episcopalians to worship in a borrowed room in a (gasp) Methodist church. Earlier this week, a lawsuit was filed by the Episcopal Church to reclaim the property from the Anglican squaters.

The Anglican Rev. Grossman (known as "The Gross Man" to his friends and simply "Gross" to his enemies), greeted the saint in Turdlock's Crane Park, where St. Francis had alighted and set up a temporary animal sanctuary to welcome his Turdlock flock (see photo, above right). St. Francis took the Gross reverend's hand and led him in the St. Francis Prayer:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, your pardon Lord;

and where there's doubt, return the friggin' keys to their rightful owners.

And with that he turned one last time to the Gross Anglican before alighting again and said, "I'm sick and tired of having you intolerant, right-wing, blabbering Turds throwing my name around in your bullshit morality. Kiss my Assisi and give the keys back." And there was much rejoicing.

Morally straight and clean Turdlockers present "Gayest Scout Leader of the Year Award"

Every year, Turdlock's Gay Scouts of America hosts an annual recognition dessert night to honor the best of the best. One of the best awarded at today’s celebration is Big Gay Al who was honored with the Gayest Scout Leader of the Year award.

“I feel pretty happy (gay) about getting the award,” Al said. “I am excited (super gay) to tell my dads.” Al is an active, exuberant, well-dressed, trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent scout leader in Turdlock and is very involved in his community. He is a deacon at the Turdlock Fatter-Day Saints Church and coaches the Turdlock men's cheerleader team.

Big Gay Al was nominated unanimously by his fellow scout leaders across the region. "He's the gayest of them all," said Scout leader James Dale. "We're so proud of Al. He personifies our traditionally unbiased values of Scouting as expressed and embodied in the Scout Oath & the Scout Law, that all youth and adult leaders, regardless of their spiritual belief, gender, or sexual orientation, can serve and be included as participating members."

Today’s celebration kicked off with a proclamation of recognition signed by Turdlock Mayor John Lozer for the celebration:

"The City of Turdlock proudly recognizes the contribution of Gay Scouts of America to keep our City morally straight and clean. Turdlock believes in real, gay scouting. We just don't believe in the Boy Scouts of America's current policy of discrimination against gay youth and adults and atheists. Here we are doing what the Boy Scouts of America says but doesn't do -- to stand up against social injustice to help make the world a better place. In this case it just so happens that the Boy Scouts of America is committing the social injustice."

Turdlock's Gay Scouts troop has a year-long celebration in store from a Turdlock Pride Parade to a new merit badge to reward excellence in redecorating straight peoples' suburban homes.

To learn more about being morally straight and clean, visit: www.scoutingforall.org.

Sarah Palin Galvanizes Throng of Turdlock Teabagging Testiculi

Sarah Palin's inspirational speech to the huge hord, the thriving throng, the sizable swarm of tens of tens of Tea Baggers at the first national tea party convention yesterday at the Gaylord [yes, Gaylord] Hotel in Nashville received a rousing welcome from the thriving Turdlock Teabag Patridiots, all seven of whom have called for a revolution against government restrictions on their First Amendment rights.

Richard Ballzack, 'Dick' to his friends, Founder of the Turdlock Teabag Patridiots says that membership in his group has doubled since Palin's speech. "We were but a few testiculi and now we are a multitude." Ballzack's group has started a signature campaign in Turdlock to force President Obama and Congress to adopt the following language to ensure teabagging is enshrined into the Bill of Rights:

Congress shall make no law prohibiting the free exercise or abridging the right of the people peaceably to assemble and to dangle their ball sacks over and into one another's faces.

Ballzack has also called for common ground with other like-minded, grassroots Teabag-loving groups in Stanislaus County. "The Teabag Movement is meant to bring together all of 'We The People,'" he said. "Our movement is based on the philosophy of Roman law and in particular on the Latin legal principle of 'Testis unus, testis nullus', meaning 'one witness equals no witness'. In other words, we must stand together, united as one People. We the testiculus, the testiculi, two glands, side by side, must stand up against governmental tyranny."

Ballzack believes that the Teabag movement must start by uniting the extremes of the grassroots movements in Turdlock and nationwide from the conservative religious zealots on the right to the liberal homo-fascists on the left. "We like teabagging, they like teabagging. My name is Dick, they like dick. We like Mike Savage, they like Dan Savage. Why can't we all just get along? As Tea Party Nation so adeptly put it, we must stand up and dangle our testiculi over one another to 'quench our thirst for freedom.'"

Turdlockers upset to have missed return of the Messiah

Turdlockers were shocked to learn that despite their religious zeal they had missed the second coming of the city's Messiah.

The tragic passing of famous one-time Turdlocker James Mitchell (above left) was reported just as any other obituary in the Turdlock Journal on January 26th. But what many failed to realize was that the famous actor in the ABC soap opera “All My Children” was, in fact, the resurrected Turdlock founding father, John Mitchell, (above right) who had returned to warn oblivious Turdlockers of their foolish ways.

James Mitchell was born in Sacramento and spent nine years of his childhood in Turdlock where his parents operated a fruit farm. James attended Turdlock High School where he distinguished himself in debate and dramatics. He left Turdlock (never to return again) and went on to a distinguished acting and dancing career -- best-known to television audiences as Palmer Cortlandt on the soap opera All My Children.

Turdlock Journal investigative reporter Kris Mass has since uncovered evidence that confirms James Mitchell was indeed the reincarnation of Turdlock's modest and mysterious founding father John Mitchell who, having died in 1893, returned from the dead in 1920 as James Mitchell to warn Turdlockers of their wayward, rightwing religious zealotry. "James Mitchell looked exactly like John Mitchell and even had the same last name," Mass reported conclusively at a Turdlock City Hall press conference on Friday, "For such a small city, I find it impossible to believe that this coincidence is anything other than a miracle."

Mass presented signed affidavits from Turdlock-area church leaders attesting to the fact that joining the cast of All My Children was a symbolic gesture by James Mitchell to reference Corintheans 12:6: "Like a skillful weaver, I am using all my children to serve me." Pastor Richard Blather of Turdlock's Sacred Hatred Church of the Sisters of Achilles and Patroclus, concludes that Mitchell began his television career "as a way of reaching sedentary Turdlockers with his message of salvation."

"Alas," says Joe Smith, president of Turdlock's Church of the Fatter-Day Saints, "We missed a glorious opportunity here. We were too busy chasing the homosexuals out of town that we missed the Messiah. Sorry about that. But we think he'll come again."

Turdlock City Council Approves "In Gay We Trust"

Homo phrase to adorn public speakers lectern*

The Turdlock City Council approved plans recently to display the motto “In Gay We Trust” in Turdlock City Hall, despite some legal concerns. Plans to paint the phrase on the City Council podium were set in motion at the recent council meeting, when television cameras and tens of Turdlockers gathered to discuss the artwork.

“I love it on the front of the lectern,” Mayor Sitontha John said. “I think you guys did good work.” According to City Attorney Idona Load, the City of Turdlock has not received any threats of legal action opposing the posting of “In Gay We Trust.” The only letter received was from In Gay We Trust — America, a non-profit educational organization that offered to defend the City of Turdlock at no charge in both state and federal court, should any challenges arise.

Unlike the first time the issue came before council, the recent meeting drew only two public speakers. Both questioned the wisdom of the plan. “There’s a serious question of legality. If I remember correctly about the founding fathers, they clearly indicate there should be a separation between man and woman,” Turdlocker Pat Myass said. Myass also noted his belief that the phrase could cause “ill will between various religious groups” in Turdlock. The second speaker, Turdlocker Richard Head, questioned how the council could embrace gay ideals when they had previously abandoned plans to build a gay homeless shelter.

In other news, the council unanimously granted the Turdlock Poker Room rights to expand.

* This article excerpted from the Turdlock Journal.

Turdlock announces sister city relationship with Turdistan

Turdlock.com was heartbroken to learn that Turldock has not joined the global sister city movement, a prestigious citizen diplomacy network that creates partnerships between U.S. and international communities. Sister City International strives "to build global cooperation at the municipal level, promote cultural understanding and stimulate economic development." Sadly, a search of the Sister City Directory found many cities in California with sister relationships around the world. Turdlock was nowhere to be found. This is indeed a disappointing and glaring oversight.

The citizens of Turdlock would benefit greatly from such global exposure. The economic and education benefits to our community from this exchange would be exceptional.

After close consultation with Turdlock municipal leaders, turdlock.com is happy to announce today a sister city relationship with Turdistan (see map, above, complements of doodie.com). Turdistan, like Turdlock, is a proud people with a long history and rich culture.

We look forward to developing this important relationship with our Turd sisters.

Ask not what your Turdlock can do for you but what you can do for your Turdlock

Alex Cantatore's January 12th article in the Turlock Journal, "Turlock humdrum," is a much-welcome Kennedy-style call to action for Turdlockers. Cantatore begins by stating the obvious: "I hate to admit it, but the City of Turlock has a well-deserved reputation as being, well, a bit boring." His Saturday evening quest for adventure and entertainment ends in disappointment with the tacit acceptance of "just how vapid" the Turlock recreational landscape is.

"We have no bowling alleys, go-kart tracks, arcades, driving ranges, laser tag, late-night coffee shops, or 24-hour doughnut shops in the City of Turlock ... The town at one time had a bowling alley, but it closed. We had a driving range. Heck, we even had a gelato shop. But they exist no more."

The only conclusion he could come to, he says, "was that the citizens of Turlock are to blame. We must be inherently boring people."

But Cantatore challenges us all regarding our municipal apathy: "what everyone else in town seems to think, but fails to act upon." And he accepts his share of responsibility for Turdlock's podunk status. "I’ve decided to take a certain level of responsibility for my own boredom." His first step in our collective 12-step recovery was to start a pick-up lacrosse game in town with a group of friends. "We just saw some highlights on the Internet and decided to give it a go. Plus, the portmanteau 'Turlacrosse' is simply too good to pass up."

Yes, we can!

No H8! Turdlocker slaps some sense into garish goon from Riverbank

Turdlock.com nearly pooped our collective pants when reading the January 20 letter to the editor in the Modesto Bee entitled Gay couples should stop their whining. Dumb-ass Robert Gerisch, Jr. of Riverbank (whose last name, appropriately pronounced "garish," means offensive, excessive, gaudy, distressing, loud and fucking obnoxious), wrote:

"Same-sexers: I'm so sick of hearing you whine about Proposition 8. Get over it already! We voted, the majority won — you lost! Do you think you're special? You're not. Same-sex marriage isn't a natural thing."

We'd nearly lost our faith in podunk until the January 27 rebuttal from beloved Turdlocker Patrick Mitchell saved the day with his sensible response, Gays want equal treatment:

"It was with disgust and pity for the writer that I read 'Gay couples should stop their whining.' Interestingly, the writer [Gerisch] unintentionally got one thing right when he childishly taunted, 'Do you think you're special? You're not.' Gay people don't think they're special regarding marriage, and that's exactly the point. Gay people rightly believe they should be treated equally when it comes to marriage. While a majority of those who voted may have supported Proposition 8, it will be overturned — because matters of civil rights should never be decided by popularity contest."

Score for Turdlock! And another indication that Turdlock is on the road to becoming the tolerant, gay-friendly mecca that it's destined to be.

Read more about the turdlock.com "It Takes a Gay Village" Project.